An umbrella revolution I brought to my own self

Okay. This is to record down the whole path of change, for myself. Even it might not be a good change. I may fail at the end, but I don't want to miss a thing, not even a little piece of feeling in my heart.

With two years experience working as a junior scriptwriter in the biggest local TV station (well, there are only two free TV channels in HK), I find that I still feel not comfortable to call myself a "Scriptwriter". Yes I have written some scripts and they were already went public on the TV and people can see them worldwide on the internet. Theoretically I am one! But why I still do not have the courage to tell people loudly I am one, after I quit my job?

Because I don't see myself a qualified scriptwriter.

I hate to admit but I have to, I am far away from a qualified one. And this is the reason why I quit my job.

Being a full-time scriptwriter in a TV station is actually a very stable, promising path. Or even you can say we are the lucky and protected ones in this brutal, not-gonna-earn-big-money creative industry.
-They seldom fire people even we are not doing really good.
-They give you salary increase phase by phase regardless of your performance (I dunno if it is true to all people)
-Only the script supervisor has to pitch ideas (and only need to pitch to one/two person(s)) so scriptwriters share less responsibilities/stress
-It is a teamwork so it is fine if you are not the most creative/who gives most ideas person (some even never speak during discussion but they can still stay for very long time!)
-Your name will surely be shown on TV even if you only write 4 scenes in one whole episode and your script is too bad that your supervisor/producer almost re-write it all)
-People are not really harsh
-etc...

So, why I quit? Doesn't it sound like a very good environment for writers??

In fact, these good things are the reasons.

I am afraid of them, because they nurture me into a lazy writer, eventually (while I am already a lazy person naturally.), as the need to improve and push yourself to be the best is not strong and necessary.

After quitting, the real battle and hardship come in front of my face.

Self-discipline is the most important and difficult thing for me to become a full-time freelance writer, which is what I lack in my gene.

I find it hard to find a job, as I am not interested in any other field of work. I don't even have motivation to send one CV to some more stable/money-earning industry. Many friends of mine are being really helpful that they keep referring me part-time/ freelance jobs. But I just don't feel like to take them. I am truly in need of money, I feel bad that I can't share life expenses with my parents. But I just don't have the motivation to earn money, yet meanwhile the feeling of insecurity brought by not having any money income is torturing me....

I am worried about myself, that I brought myself a plight, to be more precise, a paradox.

I want to join the Umbrella Revolution every day and night, but I am such a coward that I can't ignore everything and just be in the street. I feel not safe about my life, feel not safe within myself.

Every part of my life goes just not right.

I am sad not because difficulties come at the same time.
I am sad because I find myself not a capable person to cope with problems and don't have the patience to solve the problems step by step.

However, I never doubt my decision of quitting. I am really dying for a new change as I don't want to stay stable in a safety net and become lazier and lazier. I know myself too well.

It is a very hard time for me, because it is something about my poor qualities which I truly want to change.

I dunno where it will go and am I able to get through all these. But I know I should not regret for what I chose, I have to take all the good or bad consequences no matter what.

So, just go on!