An umbrella revolution I brought to my own self

Okay. This is to record down the whole path of change, for myself. Even it might not be a good change. I may fail at the end, but I don't want to miss a thing, not even a little piece of feeling in my heart.

With two years experience working as a junior scriptwriter in the biggest local TV station (well, there are only two free TV channels in HK), I find that I still feel not comfortable to call myself a "Scriptwriter". Yes I have written some scripts and they were already went public on the TV and people can see them worldwide on the internet. Theoretically I am one! But why I still do not have the courage to tell people loudly I am one, after I quit my job?

Because I don't see myself a qualified scriptwriter.

I hate to admit but I have to, I am far away from a qualified one. And this is the reason why I quit my job.

Being a full-time scriptwriter in a TV station is actually a very stable, promising path. Or even you can say we are the lucky and protected ones in this brutal, not-gonna-earn-big-money creative industry.
-They seldom fire people even we are not doing really good.
-They give you salary increase phase by phase regardless of your performance (I dunno if it is true to all people)
-Only the script supervisor has to pitch ideas (and only need to pitch to one/two person(s)) so scriptwriters share less responsibilities/stress
-It is a teamwork so it is fine if you are not the most creative/who gives most ideas person (some even never speak during discussion but they can still stay for very long time!)
-Your name will surely be shown on TV even if you only write 4 scenes in one whole episode and your script is too bad that your supervisor/producer almost re-write it all)
-People are not really harsh
-etc...

So, why I quit? Doesn't it sound like a very good environment for writers??

In fact, these good things are the reasons.

I am afraid of them, because they nurture me into a lazy writer, eventually (while I am already a lazy person naturally.), as the need to improve and push yourself to be the best is not strong and necessary.

After quitting, the real battle and hardship come in front of my face.

Self-discipline is the most important and difficult thing for me to become a full-time freelance writer, which is what I lack in my gene.

I find it hard to find a job, as I am not interested in any other field of work. I don't even have motivation to send one CV to some more stable/money-earning industry. Many friends of mine are being really helpful that they keep referring me part-time/ freelance jobs. But I just don't feel like to take them. I am truly in need of money, I feel bad that I can't share life expenses with my parents. But I just don't have the motivation to earn money, yet meanwhile the feeling of insecurity brought by not having any money income is torturing me....

I am worried about myself, that I brought myself a plight, to be more precise, a paradox.

I want to join the Umbrella Revolution every day and night, but I am such a coward that I can't ignore everything and just be in the street. I feel not safe about my life, feel not safe within myself.

Every part of my life goes just not right.

I am sad not because difficulties come at the same time.
I am sad because I find myself not a capable person to cope with problems and don't have the patience to solve the problems step by step.

However, I never doubt my decision of quitting. I am really dying for a new change as I don't want to stay stable in a safety net and become lazier and lazier. I know myself too well.

It is a very hard time for me, because it is something about my poor qualities which I truly want to change.

I dunno where it will go and am I able to get through all these. But I know I should not regret for what I chose, I have to take all the good or bad consequences no matter what.

So, just go on!

The Princess under my skin

Do women just want to be rescued?

Do you still believe in the fairy tale?

If you don't believe there will be a white knight coming and will rescue you from the trap of love,

can you save yourself?

Tonight, I feel bad about myself that

I can't save anyone else,

I can't even save myself.

你.我

朋友，如果，你早便認識我

請為我做兩件事

一，記著當天，你認識的我

二，不要放棄我

我正試著逼自己轉變，好的，壞的，也要變

我為自己的成長感到喜悅，同時為自己的變感到惆悵

我期待未見的我，更害怕忘記曾經的我

我在尋找新的我，同時用盡方法留住昨日的我

人生真糾結

限我半年時間

《東邪西毒》中有一句對白大概是這樣的：
「當你知道有啲嘢唔能夠再擁有，你唯一可以做嘅，就係叫自己唔好忘記。」

我一直很喜歡這一句，因為我知道原來有王家衛導演和我有一樣的想法。

記憶記載著我和你，我們互相擁有著這些記憶。
在共同記憶中，我和你是互相擁有的。
只要我不忘記，那麼只少我和你可以憑著記憶互相擁有。
若果我連記都記不起，那麼你對我而言，便甚麼都不是了。

其實這樣不是更好嗎？記憶是開心的，但事過境遷的記憶，只是像殺不死的癌細胞一樣，
你以為你已經從回憶傷心欲絕症中康復過來，但原來一直都仍
殘留著餘孽，久不久便會入侵你的心和腦眼和鼻。

我一直嚷著想洗掉無用的記憶，然而，
我實在不捨得。

我給自己半年時間，時限快到了，
我熱切希望能夠痊癒。

Dolece far niente!

終於看了Eat, Pray, Love 《再單身遊記》。

這套電影不算很好看，講Cast，Julia Roberts實在有點老，James Franco飾演的配角男友講說話不是特登但卻Chok得有氣無力的，聽得我很辛苦（完全認不出他是Spider man入面的Harry）…講情節，就是一個中女失戀失婚後如何自癒，但不算很到肉，印度靈修話題也不是我杯茶…講題材，有人說這套電戲是中女的心靈雞湯，或許吧。其實任何一個曾經戀愛過，受過傷的人也不難對號入座。

但此戲至少有一樣令我看得賞心悅目的部份。
茱莉亞跟我一都喜歡意大利，戲中也解答了我為什麼鍾情意大利。
身邊去過歐州的朋友，多數不會特別喜歡這國家，因為她有點像中國的大陸。很古老，很有歴史，也很骯髒…但我就是喜歡這國家HEA得來又浪漫，我就是喜歡他們的OPEN，我就是喜歡他們用誇張的手勢說話。

片中的一個意大利老伯指着茱莉亞話美國人識Entertainment但不懂Pleasure。哇，簡直像對着我說一樣！
香港這樣的城市有很多Entertainment，唱K、去蒲、飲酒、睇concert、睇band show、行exhibition…但怎麼總是有人喊着很悶呢？是心靈太空虚嗎？是各種的娛樂仍不夠消磨時間嗎？
大概香港人太功利，時間太寶貴，人們覺得虚度光陰是一種罪，大時大節賦閒在家沒有約的人會被蔑視為「冇朋友」，沒有特別高尚的消閒娛樂可能會被人取笑為「悶L」，不懂生活…唉，怎麼就不能享受無所事事的快樂呢？

「Dolece far niente!」 就是這個意思。

自己快不快樂，如何令自己快樂，只能靠自己找出答案。
這與追尋另一半一樣，不是人人都那麼幸運能早早找出答案。
如果你跟我一樣，仍未找到，不要panic，繼續找，就算一生都找不到，至少也找過。

除了尋找如何令自己快樂外，戲中也帶有其他的啓示。

要接受愛情就是一種失衡。

愛情通常是自私的，因為人有不同的需要，你會因不同的原因而喜歡上不同的人，他給你Passion，他卻給你commitment。一生人中會遇上很多適合戀愛的對像，而且每一個人都不同，但分手的原因卻殊途同歸。

當對方在自己的生活中介入得太多的時候，你會感到不自由，你會感到浪漫不再，你會感到失去自己。
失衡的感覺令你痛苦，也成了分手的理由。
分手後，努力重拾一個人的平衡，一個人的生活，勸免自己單身的自在。
但有時又會犯賤地感到寂寞，卻又不想再度失衡。不敢再投入新的感情，因為怕悲劇重演，怕被傷，更怕傷到人，作繭自縛，大概就是這種狀態。

戲中那個不知是智者定算命佬的峇里島阿伯ketut對茱莉亞講的一句話。
“Sometimes to lose balance is part of living balanced life.”

其實這些看似睿智的電影Tagline很任up，只不過人就是這樣犯賤，作繭自縛之後沒有勇氣自我解封，便要找個自己信任的人來，對自己當頭棒喝一番，才能衝破。

比起一個情人，我更需要一個ketut。

好丈夫羅素高爾

《危情三日》(The Next Three Days by Paul Haggis)

一套講救妻越獄的電影。

故事線很簡單，羅素高爾的妻子Elizabeth Banks無端被控告謀殺女上司，被裁定終身監禁，羅素高爾出盡全力幫妻子越獄﹔。妻子惹上飛來橫禍，改變了一家的餘生…

其實看的時候有好些疑問...
為甚麼不從合法途徑幫妻子申訴?(片中男主角好像有試過，但我沒有大印象...)
為甚麼男主角一定要兵行險著，用越獄的方法幫妻子逃出?
橫豎都是終身監禁，時間不是一個最關鍵的問題，其實可以逐步去調查的呀...
而且妻子身上的衣服應該有真正殺人犯的DNA，為甚麼沒有好好調查?
男主角因為不夠資金完成助妻越獄的計劃，更不惜殺人搶劫.......
這一切都來得有點誇張
我在想，如果劇情發展是，最終妻子沉冤得雪，被查出並未有殺人，無罪釋放，但丈夫卻因救妻而真正殺人打劫做假證件，最後終身監禁的是丈夫，會有多諷刺啊...
如果劇情不要如此發展，那麼這次越獄便只許成功...

撇開故事的合理性不想，這還是一套不錯的電影。但與此導演另一作品"Crash"比較，我更喜歡Crash的主題深刻

或者，當政府也靠不住，真相無法求證之時，真的只能夠靠自己。而當你深愛一個人的時候，真的可以無所不用其極去拯救他/她。
如果有羅素高爾一個如此相信自己，深愛自己，在自己出事時不惜一切救援自己，更有越獄智慧的丈夫，下半世逃亡到哪裏，又有何妨?
不過現實中有可能嗎.....

把往事留在風中

紀念哥哥

紀念那段隨風飄散的愛情